THE "SO THAT” QUESTION
From Running Away to Moving Towards
Many times, we want to change something that isn't working in our lives.
Lose weight. Get out of debt. Leave a difficult job. Deal with an oppressive boss. Move to a better house.
We know what we don't want.
But do we always know what we want instead?
My client had been trying to lose weight for several months. She had followed diets, joined a gym, tracked calories and even managed to lose a few kilos.
She knew what she was supposed to do.
Yet something was missing.
Perhaps you've experienced something similar yourself. Sometimes, when the focus is simply on losing weight, the goal ends once the scales show a satisfactory number. The motivation fades, old routines return, and the weight can gradually come back.
As we explored her goal, I asked her a simple question:
"Why do you want to lose the weight?”
The answer came quickly.
"Because I don't want to be overweight anymore.”
That answer made me pause.
She was very clear about what she wanted to move away from.
But what was she moving towards?
I asked again:
"Suppose you achieve your target weight. What will that make possible for you?”
There was a long silence.
Then she said:
"I want to be able to play with my children without feeling tired. I want to go hiking with my husband. And honestly, I want to feel comfortable in my own body again.”
Something changed in the conversation.
The goal had begun to mean something more than losing 10 kilos.
It was about living differently.
That conversation reminded me of something I have seen repeatedly in coaching: people are often very good at describing the life they don't want, but surprisingly unclear about the life they want to create.
Move Away or Move Towards?
We often frame our goals around problems.
"I don't want to be in debt.”
"I don't want this job.”
"I don't want to be stressed.”
"I don't want to be out of shape.”
"I don't want to keep living like this.”
These are Move-Away Goals.
They are not wrong. In fact, they can be useful starting points. Discomfort can provide the motivation to change.
But escaping something is not the same as knowing where you are going.
A person can successfully lose weight and still return to the same habits. Someone can leave a job they dislike and find themselves equally unhappy in the next one. Someone can pay off their debt and then repeat the same financial behaviours.
The problem is not necessarily a lack of discipline.
Sometimes, the problem is simply that the destination was never defined.
A Move-Toward Goal changes the question.
Instead of:
"What do I want to get rid of?”
Ask:
"What do I want to create?”
"I want to be physically fit.”
"I want financial freedom.”
"I want meaningful work.”
"I want a healthier relationship.”
"I want to have the energy to enjoy life with my family.”
Now there is somewhere to go.
What I Have Learned as a Coach
One of my early assumptions about coaching was that good questions should help clients find answers quickly.
Over time, I have learned that some of the most valuable coaching moments happen when the client doesn't answer immediately.
That pause after "So that...?” can be more valuable than a clever question.
It creates space. It allows the client to move beyond the obvious answer. And sometimes, what emerges is not the goal they initially brought into the conversation at all.
That, perhaps, is the real value of this question.
What I've learned is that the answer doesn't always need another strategy or solution. Sometimes the most useful thing we can do is create enough space to look beyond the immediate problem.
Beyond the weight someone wants to lose.
Beyond the job they want to leave.
Beyond the debt they want to clear.
And ask:
"What will achieving this make possible?”
Sometimes, the answer we are looking for isn't another strategy, another plan, or another piece of advice.
Sometimes, we simply need the right question.
If you are at a point in your life where you know what you want to change, but aren't yet clear about what you want to create, perhaps it is worth pausing and exploring that question.
What would you like to make possible?
